CHAPTER ELEVEN

The Inside of a Heart

The last incident, in which the minister became quite angry about the doctor's impolite questions, greatly cooled the relationship between the two. Although they continued their friendly conversations in the same manner as before, the doctor was delighted that he had seen his patient's terrible suffering, while his patient trusted his friendly doctor much less than previously. The doctor continued to look quite calm and gentle, but he had changed considerably. He was now more excited to see his patient suffer than before, after seeing the pain he had caused in their last conversation in which the minister became greatly upset and left the room in anger. The doctor's efforts to befriend the young minister and to provide medical care as well as honest friendship were lies! He had made himself the one trusted friend to the minister, but only to see his young friend suffer terribly.

The minister, being quite a shy and sensitive man, would not allow himself to admit his terrible sin to his close doctor friend. Roger Chillingworth, however, became more eager for the disturbed minister to admit his secret after their last meeting. He had previously just been an observer of the young minister's pain and suffering, but he was now an actor, pretending to be the minister's dear friend, while worsening the man's pain and guilt. The doctor knew quite well how to hurt the minister with his comments about sin, suffering and guilt. He often saw the minister put his hand to his heart after the doctor had made one such comment. The doctor would then smile with satisfaction.

While all this happened, the minister never fully understood the secret plans of the doctor, although the young man never trusted his close friend. He often looked at him with fearful doubt, sometimes even with horror and bitter hatred. Mr Dimmesdale, at times, hated the sight of his old doctor friend, although he did not know the reason for these strong feelings. Aside from his guilt for his evil sin, he felt guilt, as well, for having such a terrible opinion of his doctor friend, thinking he had no reason to feel such hate.

Although the minister suffered greatly from illness and guilt, in part because his dear friend, Roger Chillingworth continually reminded him of his terrible sin, the minister Mr Dimmesdale was quite popular in the community. The townspeople respected him for his suffering, although they did not know the terrible reason for his pain. Although, the older ministers in town were still quite respected as the true religious leaders of the community. Still, the townspeople regarded the young minister as a gift from God, a gentle, kind man of human perfection. The young girls would grow nervous and pale when he spoke to them, most of whom were passionately in love with the young minister. The older men in the town, who were quite brave and strong, believed the weak young minister would go to Heaven before them, and told their children that they wished to be buried near the minister's holy tomb. And, all this time, poor Mr Dimmesdale was thinking of his tomb, wondering if the grass would grow on it, although he was secretly a terrible sinner.

It is unbelievable, the pain that this popularity within the town caused the minister. He loved and respected the truth. He often wished to declare his secret to the people of the town as he spoke to them on Sunday mornings in the church. "I, your minister, whom you trust and respect, am a lie!"

More than once, Mr Dimmesdale.had gone to his platform at the church on Sunday mornings, with a purpose never to come down until he had told the community about his terrible sin. More than once, more than a hundred times, he had this purpose! He had, indeed, told the people that he was altogether evil, more evil than the worst of sinners. He told the people these words, but they did not tear him down from the platform to punish him with death, as they should have. Instead, they only respected him more! And yet, he loved the truth and hated the lie, more than most others in this world. Yet, he could not explain his sin to the people. Therefore, more than all other things, he hated himself!

The guilt he felt forced him to make himself suffer more. In Mr Dimmesdale's secret closet, closed and locked, there was a bloody whip, which he would use to beat himself as a punishment for his terrible crime. Oftentimes, this Puritan minister would beat himself with the whip on his own shoulders, then laugh bitterly, but would then beat himself more as punishment for laughing. It was his custom, too, to fast, or refuse to eat for a number of days. Other Puritan ministers fasted to clean their body, as a way to show respect to God. The young, troubled minister, however, fasted for great lengths of time, until he was too weak to walk. He did this as a punishment for himself. He stayed awake for many nights to remind himself of his sinful crime. Sometimes he would sit the whole night in darkness; other times he would sit with a nearby lamp, staring at himself in the mirror. During these long nights, he would often imagine seeing people from his life. At times, he would see his parents, staring at him with shameful anger for his secret crime. Most times, he would see Hester Prynne, walking with little Pearl in her scarlet clothing. Hester would first point her finger toward the scarlet letter on her chest, then to the minister's own chest.

Although he knew he was imaging Hester Prynne and little Pearl pointing to his chest, he felt that these images were more real in his life than most other things. The only truth that continued to give Mr Dimmesdale a real existence on this earth was the pain and suffering of his heart.

On one of those terrible nights, during which he punished himself with refusing to sleep, he had an incredible thought. He jumped to his feet, and dressed himself carefully before he walked quietly downstairs and out the door.

(end of section)